Day 1 New at this

I am unsure where to start. I have not been given the gift of writing and being eloquent with words as some of my friends have. Please forgive the grammar and spelling errors! Thanks!

First I want to introduce myself. I am De. I am a wife, a mom, a nurse, a daughter ect.. I am married to a man I always imagined I would be married to, I am blessed. Without my husband I would not be where I am today. (I will get to why some time.)

What brings me to a blog? Why am I here? These are good questions bc I am asking them myself! I am here bc I am frustrated with how some things have been going in my life and my kids' lives. There has been a lot of strife in house for a long time. This is not what God wants or intends for our family! It has to stop. Let me start from the beginning., It is long so I will start with the highlights and if you have questions I will try to answer them.

My husband and I were married in Sept 1996. We thought we had the world in our hands. Our 1st son, Spencer, was born a little over a yr later. Every couple expects their child to be pink, crying and healthy when they enter the world, whether that child is your 1st, 2nd, or 6th. Unfortunately Spencer was born with a tumor in his airway and was unable to breathe much to everyone's surprise. (fast forward) Spencer went through years of multiple surgeries, we stop keeping track after 20. There came a time when he was 6yrs old that surgeries weren't working and we had to embark on a year of chemo. After a year and the Docs came to the conclusion that the chemo was not working. My husband and I talked and after much discussion we decided to sign a DNR for our son, no we were not giving up on him! (that is another story for another time) We then did 7wks of radiation and a chemo pill. TA DA! It worked and his tumor was finally shrinking and no longer a threat to his very being. On Spencer's 8th bday we had a huge party and burnt his DNR papers. THAT my friends was ONE OF THE BEST DAYS EVER! (fast forward) Today Spencer is a happy HEALTHY 13 yr old! In between of all this chaos we went on to have 3 more children, Alex 10, Marcus 9, Tahlia Grace 7. I also went to nursing school and we bought a house. (whew) right?!? :)

Why did I start with all of this? I want to give you a perspective of where I am coming from, since we all walk a different path, this is just a glimpse of what we have been through. Since, I have fast forwarded to today.. This brings me to why I have started this blog...
Marcus. (sigh) I love him dearly! He has always been a quirky kid. We always have said "that's just monkey", "that's just how he is". Little did we know what was to come. I am so thankful God allowed us to deal with Spencer's health issues 1st before we embarked on this current journey.
Two years ago Marcus started having outbursts and anger issues, we still thought it was a  "phase". He didnt grow out of it. The outbursts got worse and worse to the point we were very concerned about him. We did behavior charts and positive reinforcement and rewards and consequences ect.. We felt like we did it all.. We were very frustrated, angry, and just at a loss as to what to do with this child. His outbursts had become so bad that he was scaring us, his brothers, and his sister, During this time his brother Alex became diagnosed with ADHD.. DING DING! The light bulb went off.. Maybe Marcus had this too and he was just showing it differently than his brother who would burst into tears and wants his stiff and things just so...
Afew weeks later Marcus was diagnosed with ADHD. We thought we had our answer. We had a piece to the puzzle but that was it. The med helped him concentrate but did nothing for the angry outbursts and the sailor like language. The pediatrician did not know what to do with him. He wanted monkey to go to counseling.. REALLY? Well, like most people our insurance does not cover counseling. We decided to wait and see.. Needless to say waiting and seeing didn't last long. The school was calling about his outbursts and they themselves didn't know what to do. Unfortunately for us Marcus was a a private school at the time and they didn't know what to do or they didn't want to do what they should which would have meant getting resources from the public school system. We don't know and we wont know. We have since changed schools. (that's another story) With school calling and the outbursts at home I was at my limit and beyond as was the rest of the family. I came home just a few minutes after all the kids had gotten off the bus and all chaos and craziness had broken loose in my house. Tahlia was hiding in her room, Spencer was cowering in the kitchen and Alex was waiting at the front door for me to give me the low down. Apparently Marcus had had a really bad day and was screaming and threatening to kill himself. THAT WAS IT! I HAD HAD IT! I WAS DONE DOING THIS ALONE! I called the crisis team at the counseling center. I "threw" Marcus into the car and went there.. Amazing all of a sudden he was quiet. That's is the day we started on our journey today. We ended up with a Home Interventionist Specialist (she was awesome.) and got on the waiting list for his current Dr.   After much reassurance that in fact we are good parents and that by any standards we were doing everything we could to help Marcus. We felt a little better.
Last Feb he started seeing his current Dr and after months of diff med changes and tests, it became quite apparent that Marcus did not fit into 1 box of this or a box of that.. He had a little bit of every box which makes up our quirky kid.. As the Dr has gotten to know Marcus she has found him "interesting" which isn;t always comforting to the parent, just saying :)
Marcus' unofficial diagnosis is Aspergers, Aspergers is on the Autism spectrum disorder. In short his brain is not wired the same as yours and mine. He sees the world completely differently than you and I. He does not have the filter in his head that stops him from saying hurtful things, even though they may be true. When he is mad his says things like "just put a bullet in my head!" "why dont you just kill me and get it over with!" :I really do wish I was dead!" Shocking! I know. It breaks my heart to these things out of my child's mouth every day. For him saying these things are like you or I saying "i can't take it anymore!" "I have had enough!" "I am done!" He needs the tools to be able to say "i am really mad and I need a break" and we are working on that
We are waiting on Akron Children's to call us back to get him evaluated .to get the official diagnosis of Aspergers. With an official diagnosis there should be more help for him in school. He doesnt really need academic help but he clearly needs someone with him to remind him and be his inner voice about his behavior and choices.
Tomorrow is my 1st official meeting w/ school professionals to discuss getting him and IEP.. So we shall see. I am hoping the sooner he gets an IEP the sooner he will start excelling in school and do better than he has thus far.
Why an I here? Why am I writing all of this? Because, I feel like I have lost my child. I get to see glimpses of him occasionally. The real Marcus.. The Marcus that runs, laughs, is silly, and has a wicked sense of humor. I miss him, and my heart aches for him.. I know anyone who has a child with Aspergers or who has grown up with Aspergers, so I am writing to vent and to let other moms and dads know they are not alone. We are here walking this path too. This is a hard, demanding grueling path that we must walk for our kids.
In walking this path for my child somehow I have lost myself. I am no longer happy go lucky, nor do i do things on a whim I dont give hugs and smiles out freely anymore, and I am angry.. I am angry at everything now. I am quick to yell. Quick to walk away.Quick to have a sharp tongue. Quick to shut people out and to shut people down. My home doesnt feel like a home anymore.. It is just a house where we all exist and the fun has been sucked out. My husband of course has been affected,, He is angry and not fun silly person he used to be either.
One thing I do know is that I can not fix him. I hope that finding myself again and allowing God to work in me my family can be mended and I just know and trust that during this process we will find the real Marcus too!

One step we have made we told our pastor what was going on and he is praying for us. The last 1.5 weeks has been more calm. I also let a friend in and I am not hiding from her. She has offered to love on Marcus and to have him 1-2x a week and be "grandma" type for him. (My mom died 4yrs ago).

My plan is to chronicle at least 2-3x a week as I start out on this journey. I am looking for a book to read and praying about it to lead me..

Take Care.
Pray for Marcus and My Family as we walk this path and learn and grow together. Pray for me as I seek change. Some wise man I know said "transformation is a painful process and it is not easy" but it is better than where I am coming from right now.
De:)