Hi Friends!
Sorry I haven't written all week. It has been busy. I feel like I am still catching my breath. One thing has become very clear to me; as much as I think I know or have experienced the fact is i know very little.. I have been humbled..
Last week I shared about the pre-IEP meeting at school for Marcus. After that meeting I was so gun-ho on making lists, schedules, post rules, and everyone would obey; then it would be "perfect." HA! HA! Joke was on me! First, I had assumed the Hub would be on board, he was leery. (sigh) The first huddle was bringing him up to speed on my thought process, then we could mostly be on the same page. Second, was getting the kids up to speed and "forcing" them to embrace the "new" schedules, which I will say is the same except I wrote it down and gave it times.. Funny how when you assign times and time limits how that freaks every one out. Who knew?!? I didn't know that!
The week has been full of mornings of yelling and forcing them to look at and follow the schedule, followed by afternoon and evenings of the same. Funny thing is it has been hard for me to stick to the schedule too! By the end of the week it is getting easier. I continue to repeat to myself 2 to 3 wks before a new habit sticks.. 2 to 3 wks.. How daunting! So then I need to take a deep breath and "muscle" through it. We, I, will get there.. I have no doubt once everyone settles into the schedule some things will go smoother!
In the midst of this crazy week, a friend was an angel for me! Miss P took Marcus after school Tuesday and Thursday this week. She helped him with his homework and just loved on him like a grandma, He thrived in that. He loves her! Thank you so much Miss P! Transition time from Miss P's house to home and back on schedule proved difficult for Marcus. I could see he was trying. I still don't know what to do to make every day transition tome easier for him. I suppose I just need to be patient and not try to "fix" or analyze everything all the time every day. Some times, even kids with aspergers are JUST KIDS! (deep breath) I am still learning to pick and choose my battles and to just let it go for now. NOT EVERYTHING CAN BE FIXED IN 1 DAY OR WITH 1 SCHEDULE OR LIST!
I also had a meeting with Tahlia's school this week. I had a lot of questions. They of course refused at this time to do an evaluation on her for aspergers like her brother. They also have refused to assess for an IEP. They are willing to fill out Vanderbuilt Behavior forms for her pediatrician. This way I can have her diagnosed with ADD or ADHD like her brothers. It has become quite clear that she does have difficulty concentrating and being present like her brothers. Thinking I need to buy 4 pillboxes color coded and labeled! I called and made an appt. She will be seen the beginning of March. (another deep breath moment) It can not all be done in 1 day! (even if i want it to be or try to will it to be)
This week has been so stressful for me. I have not been letting it go so it rolls over to the next moment and to the next day. My brain is on overload, which means nothing gets done or it doesn't get done right. This week the Hub made a comment that I was shutting down and shutting him out and hte kids. I couldn't believe it! Are you kidding me?!? Everything I do is for the kids and you (the Hub)! I even think things through and come up with ideas when I am driving from patient home to patient home. Right now I live and breathe kids home family and how to make it better! oh wait... He's right.. I have been trying to make everyone else better and "muscling" through it all that I have not been listening to the Hub, the kids, and mostly God. Since I want to be heard and to make things work I have been yelling louder and louder.. which means they all have been tuning me out more and more.. until they hear wah wah wah (like charlie brown's teacher). Fail! Do i throw my arms up and say i give up? I want to, but it really is not who I am or who God made me to be! I take a step back. I need to pray. I need a new perspective.. I feel ill equipped. I feel unworthy.
God, thank you for seeing me as you have made me and not as I see myself!
The last day of the week that I worked God planned on me meeting a special patient. Had her main nurse not have gotten sick, I probably would have never of met her. I am sorry my co-worker got sick, I am thankful I had the chance to meet this patient. I was going about my day driving from home to home, teaching and instructing and doing labs ect.. Thinking about schedules, times, and how to make it all work. I got to this patient's home. Introduced myself to her and her family. Asked about a few things. It became apparent that the day prior was a rough day for her and so was this day. She reported a list of symptoms to me and her concern over stopping a certain medication that she has been taking for years and only ever missed once. I listened. She spoke about praying and asking God not to let her worry or dwell on the medication and that the Drs knew what they were doing. I explained on the reason of stopping the medication and the importance of following the instructions. Took her vital signs and placed a call to the Dr, to give report to his nurse. After hanging up the phone the patient looked at me and thanked me. I smiled and said of course! That is what I am here for. She said "No, thank you for reassuring me and making me feel better about what is going on and caring. I feel very comfortable with you." I sat there and smiled. THEN she went on to explain how she had prayed for someone to help her, to reassure her and to help her feel more comfortable. oh... I am humbled that this patient, follower of God, felt I was sent to help her. I am humbled that God allowed me to be the vehicle.. I am Thankful God does not see me as unworthy as I see myself...
At the end of the moment, at the end of the day, at the end, it is not about what I want. It is about what God wants, desires, and His plans for me and my life! I pray throughout the day. I pray about what is going on and guidance and for what I think I NEED aka want. I realize I don't thank Him very much, like a spoiled child who doesn't get exactly what I want at Christmas or on my birthday! I am thankful! I need to remember to tell Him that! I am thankful for the kids I have. I am thankful for the Hub I have. I am thankful for the people He has placed in my life. I am thankful for those in my life who listen and hear God so clearly that they step out and forward so boldly. Thank you God for all these blessings that I am blind to most of the time.
I am still learning. I am still searching. I know God is here and He will lead if I allow Him to take the reigns. I am tired of "muscling" through and just making it through each moment and each day intact. I want to be full. I want my kids and the Hub to be full of joy and life! Help me Jesus! Take control! Take the reigns! Teach me how!
Love you!
De
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